I haven't written in a long time just because I just didn't want to. There isn't much to say really. Our goal lately has been to find a house that we can afford and try to save money. Summer is here it's fucking hot and miserable. Work is cutting our pay for three months which sucks and the economy is still going strong as far as the housing market.

Not much to say.

Interesting

I really am working on showing my husband how much I cherish him.

Today I became friends with my creative writing teacher Mr. Res*g on Faceb**k. It's so much fun getting back in touch with people you ordinarily wouldn't. He was such an inspiration to me my senior year in high school I made sure to tell him that. He's a cool hippy type who is writing for an environmental newspaper in Michigan.

My husband has been playing some music which I surprisingly like.

I love my cats as if they were my children and I CHERISH them.

My mother in law sent me this ring that he is so insitatn on giving me. I wonder why? Weird.

Today it's spring the sun is shining but it's cold.

I am glad not to be at work today.

I feel good.

I picked up some of my Sumatra coffee from Wh*le F**ds yesterday and I am happy.

I have a ton of cleaning to do and instead I am writing this...and I don't care.

I have to plan something for my husband's birthday which is in May. He likes to camp and be outdoors so I was thinking of renting a cabin INSTEAD of sleeping in a tent. I am getting too old for it.

I feel very relaxed today.

I woke up and watched J*el Ost**n this morning. He has great messages.

We were supposed to go and look at a house but I decided not to. I want to see what happens since it's a bit more than I wanted to pay for it. I can't wait until we have our home. I want to PLANT some flowers. I already have landscaping ideas drawn out in my head.
That's all for now.

Exciting news

A friend of mine is starting up a non profit and has asked me to be a part of it. I don't have details but it would involve being able to go to Barbados and work with "under the austic umbrella" kids. I am pretty excited about it. He met with the Prime Minister of Barbados last week so the ball is rolling.

I'm tired.

Ahhh...it's the weekend

I haven't had much to say since I have been nursing a cold, sinus thing. Today is Saturday, another day of washing clothes etc. I don't have much to say other than I am thinking about where/when I can plan a little time off. My vacation time has been adding up and frankly I haven't had a week off since September when my father came for a visit. Last weekend there was a lot of driving to NJ to see my mother in law. My husband decided to give her his old car (he wanted to restore it but never did) because she needed a car. It was a lot of driving since we both had to drive there (a 5 hour drive) and then back the next day. My MIL is "smokey" therefore I didn't sleep well and suffered for several days after. I despise the smell of cig smoke and cannot tolerate it anymore. I do think I am highly allergic to it. I know she wanted us to stay there for a longer time since she doesn't get to see him as much as she'd like. I am sure I take the blame for this. She thinks that I needed to get back to work (while is was Robert who wanted to get back to HIS work). I always tell him to go there and visit. My MIL is a nice woman but if you were there you would understand. The woman talks non stop and if you aren't listening she'll shove her elbow into your arm and laugh. Truth be told I am not much of a talker when I am in those situations I'd rather just sit back and let her do most of the talking. I like peace and quiet :) There's much more to say about the trip but I won't bore you with the details.

I have been taking a retreat from reading blogs, etc. I feel that it's consuming me too often and I need a break. I want a break thinking about my own self pity shit and other folks shit too. I know it sounds harsh but I feel liek it's putting me into a downward spiral. The only blog that I can truly read is a blog of a real life friend who I do worry about and will often "check in" to see how she is.

I just need a retreat :)

Have a great weekend.

I had a centered day

I have to do a "video trainer bio" segment for work so I installed a webcam at my desk. I decided to turn on the motion detection to see if it worked. It did. What I found was the cleaning lady sitting and spinning in my chair chit chatting on her cell phone. Not that I really give a shit but it's still funny to see what's going on when I am not there. Below is some of the video footage. I decided to do another Stephen Speilb*rg tonight.


Well shit at least she's cleaning my desk (actually I wipe down my desk..I want to tell her to clean my coworkers FUCKING SHIT pile of a desk.

I also had an interesting visit with my Dr. This afternoon I was off to my endocrinologist. I have been gaining some weight even though I have been exercising. Muscle...NO! Fat. I was sitting in the waiting room and the fire drill went off in the building. The receptionist called down to the security desk and didn't tell anyone to leave. I was ordered to go into the Drs. examining room and there we had a discussion about the IVF and my thyroid levels being high. My RE took my levels and wasn't too alarmed with my results but I was. My TSH was rather high. While he was examining me someone knocked on the door told him that we need to leave the building but my Dr. is like go ahead and decides instead of making me come back for bloodwork he quickly drew my blood. Smart or not. I will say dedicated.

Whiel I was waiting for the bus back to the office I had an interesting conversation with a man. He was also waiting for the bus and began to talk about the construction that was going on across the street and then he told me he was 84. This man looked better than a lot of 50 year olds. I asked him waht his secret was and he said he only eats fish, chicken, turkey doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, take vitamins. If you were to see this guy YOU would be amazed...I sure was. I really couldn't believe. Our conversation was interrupted when my bus came and as I turned back he disapperred. Strange.

I only half 1/2 a soda today and other than that, NO SUGAR. I feel good.

Oh and that Angel*na person is in DC filming a movie. Someone said that they spoke with her and she was really nice.

From That to This

WOW...money and makeup do wonders for people. I like the older photo because it shows the simplicity and eagerness in their eyes. I am happy the O is our President but I am also happy that the "hype" is over with.

Funny...

Today on perez.hilton I saw that Br@d Pitt was on 2*2* K Street. I thought hmm.... that's the building that I used to work out. I liked that job but that's where we had the satan IT Director. I decided to email me friend out of curiousity. Yep, he was there meeting w/ a Partner (not an asshole). Apparently Mr. wonderful might be a potential client. Good for them. I will not mention their name because they have this false reputation of treating their employees well when in fact it's all a bullshit lie. I just found it funny. I was going to post a comment on PH but I don't want to give them any undeserved publicity. All I know is that Mr. L*re is a real estate lawyer and who the hell knows what that means. I am not a big Mr. P(tt fan. I never saw the "hotness" that everyone else seems to see. Frankly I want to puke when I see those two together. Sure they do a lot of adopting wonderful children and really do give back with is great but they are just "movie stars" and no one in DC reallly cares about that shit. I guess I do otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it huh?

I met a friend for lunch today and I had some pretty bad Indian food. I did very well by not drinking any soda today and drank tons of water. I want to make some green tea tonight with raw honey and some of the ginger powder. I feel good.

Doesn't DC know that they need to shovel sidewalks?

I am sick and tired of almost falling and busting my ass on the sidewalks. Mayor Fenty can't you force people to shovel sidewalks? At the very least can you have the DC government shovel the sidewalk in Franklin Square where thousands walk each day? I pay very high DC taxes and would like to know where that money is going. Today I was lucky enough to get my neighbor to drive me up the street. The sidewalk was covered with ice and the street wasn't cleared yet. On my way home after stopping at the organic market (looking for turmeric pills and ginger powder) I had to walk in the street on a steep hill hoping not to get hit by a car. I love snow but sick of living in a city where they don't know how to deal with the little snow that we get. Obama had a good laugh about it and he should! DC shuts down for a little bit of snow and ice. Being a native Chicagoan we never got snow days unless there was 10 feet of snow.

Had a pretty good day today. I had some interesting conversations. I am tired. Mr. M has a bad cold and I am trying to avoid it at all costs.

Welcome to my new home

Welcome to my new home. I needed a change and love my new home. DC was hit with a lot of snow (6 inches) which is a lot for this area. A lot of people stayed home because several schools were closed today. I decided to go into work a little later since it was tough walking in the snow. What the hell is with people in DC not shoveling their sidewalks? The streets weren't even plowed at 10am.

I can't wait until Spring comes and the weather gets earm and comfortable. I have been really tired these last few weeks.

I am hot.

I had a very interesting conversation with my father tonight. He sent me some photos via email that he took when he visited my cousin's in Arizona. He had to give me the "story" behind each photo which was nice. I know that he just wanted to talk to me on the phone. He also asked me "So when am I going to be a grandfather". He knows the trouble and the miscarriages that we have had. He didn't say it in a non supportive way but rather a concerned way. I hope that I can make him a grandfather. In one photo he had a t-shirt on and when I asked him what it said it said "Cancer can kiss my ass" pretty funny. That's my father.

That stupid show the Bachel*r is on tonight. I never watched it really during this season but was oh so curious who this guy would pick. It's the most absurd thing that I heard of that someone would actually propose to someone who they never had any life altering scenarios with. I met my husband almost 15 years ago and I know him SO much more than I even knew him 5 years ago. I am embarassed to say that I even watch it. Anyhow, it's tivo'd so that I can just skip to the end and see who this guy picks. I think it's rigged. I can totally see myself with you blogedy blogedy blah. This guy grosses me out how his kisses each one of these chicks. It's not that he's ugly but creepy in some gross way. He looks for any reason to stick his grody tongue down the chicks throat. I want to puke.

Strange dreams

I had some really weird dreams last night or this morning. I didn't wake up until about 11:30ish and I think I went to bed at 1:30am? I slept well and have been since getting our new filters. I did wake up cold a few times because I decided to turn the heat off since it was 60 degrees here yesterday. I hate being hot when I sleep. I usually just wear a light cotton tshirt to bed. I am very particular in my bed linens since I only sleep with a good quality cotton. I have really itchy skin and anything else feels scratchy like sandpaper.

Back to the dreams. This morning I had a dream that me and my cats were in the bathtub and my cats were under the water. Apparently they were just sitting there as they always do and I panicked and took them out of the water. They were "living" under the water like this was normal. The second dream that I can remember is that I went to some store and had to go to the bathroom. I always have these dreams that I need to go to the bathroom in public place and the stall door never shuts and I have to go #2 in front of people. Yikes. too much information but it's something I always dream about. After I used the bathroom I went to some store or something. While leaving the store I went out a back door which let to this other room and in that room there were a lot of different people standing around talking. I was trying to figure my way back out when someone said we go this way. Then I was on some sort of roller coaster. I know this dream has to deal with any phobia that I might have because I HATE HATE HATE rollercoasters. I have never liked them. I am terrified to go on one. I have been on a "little" one before but none of those really terrifying ones that you find at Six Fl@gs. While on the roller coaster I did ok but then we stopped and at that stop you go off and were in some park. While on this rollercoaster I met this guy who said he was a friend of my friend Natasha (who I completely trust). He said that we could make our way through this park. IT wasn't that easy. This park was full of criminals and you were told for your safety that you would need to run really fast to get through it. I started running and ran into some scary people but then Mr. M woke me up (thankfully). This particular dream was one of those dreams which is hard to wake from. Frigging bizarre.

For those reading this blog who also struggle with infertility there is a great new website out there. I found it reading Martha Stew*rt's daughter's blog on Whatever Radi*. Al@xis really does respond to your comments.

It's been a very long week. I found out from someone that 400 people were laid off from one of the largest law firms. Crazy huh? A lot of them lawyers. DC has thankfully pretty much stayed afloat but some firms are getting hit hard primarily due to the industry their clients are in. All I can say is that healthcare is BOOMING. Corporate is also booming because of all the mergers/acquisitions. I am not a lawyer (thank GOD) but I am sure as shit busy. I am hoping that my boss is really looking for someone to hire to help us out.

I want to do my IVF this spring and come hell or high water I am doing it. My boss has been really stressed out lately and a few days ago I had to call him to ask him about some client/meeting that was being set up that no one knew anything about. We have this group which shall remain nameless who think the sun sets and rises on them (it's disgusting and down right shameful) but the shit is what it is and whatever. So my boss kind of snapped at me but I just said "Uh, ok" and let it go. Honestly I completely forgot about it. In the morning before he even takes his coat off he walks to my desk and says "Mrs. M (my first name) I am really sorry that I yelled at you, I just wanted to apologize, I was up thinking about it last night and I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, I know you have "my back" or something like that, more than anyone" I just nodded, "Yep, I do" and it's fine. Really I forgot about it and let it go. I told him that we all get stressed and I get it, but again he apologized. I don't know why he made such a big deal of it. I feel that you have to let people vent do whatever they need to do to get through that situation. I have been treated 1,000 times worse from my previous motherfucker boss. I am really lucky to have the boss that I do.

On Ash Wednesday I went to Mass after work. It was standing room only and it was a great mass. Lately I have been listening to a lot of things. I also have inquired about a few things which deal with energy healing, etc. I don't really want to write about those things here but will share anything that I might learn and should share. I feel that I am in a good place now and it's where I want to be.

Have you ever seen someone sleeping sitting down in a chair? My husband was working at his computer tonight and I could only see the back of him. He had moved to the right and I yelled out his name. It scared the shit out of me. He was sleeping but I had thought something happened. It really scared me for a moment.

So far it's been a productive day

Woke up late (went to sleep late). I got up at 4am and Mr. M was working. When I woke up he left for work. He's really been busting his ass and I worry about him. Mr. M has the kind of mind that ALWAYS has to be busy. His business is doing well (thankfully) even though the economy has slowed down. He has some high end clients which are quite famous politically but I will not write about them here.

The housing market seems to be getting strong again because houses are coming on the market. We'll just continue to try to save money until we find something. The other big question is when we'll do our cycle. The air purifiers is doing wonders in our place. I have noticed a drastic difference in the air quality and this makes me quite happy. I did a lot of organizing today, washing clothes, etc. There's a ton to do but I will just do it as I can. I am really anal about my desk being clutter free at work and it's a bit crazy. For some reason my space MUST be in order. I even wipe my desk down weekly. And I had the nerve to tell my boss that he's anal? HA HA He is when it comes to putting out cables neatly. I understand the point but I can never get them that neat. Maybe it's a guy thing but I really don't give a shit how the cables are gathered.

I have taken a break from the Faceb**k thing since it seems like such a waste of time. I am not sure why I created a page in the first place. It's nice to get back in touch with people but it's still kind of boring which brings me to this blog. I write on this blog only to get my thoughts down. Sort of a "release" and as much as I would love to create a blog with photos I am resistant to do so. When I get pregnant and want to show baby photos etc. I'll create a blog and password protect it. Somehow I just it doesn't settle right with me to have photos of myself out on the internet for all to see and I want to be able to write about what I want to write about. I don't access it from work because they are the last people I want reading about my personal life.

There are many items on my check list:
1. Pinpoint time to do IVF
2. Start accunpucture
3. Go for a teeth cleaning
4. Go for a physical exam
5. Exercise more

All of these things are things that will prep my body for pregnancy or just to be healthy. I have nearly cut out all soda and sweets. I have been drinking a lot of pineapple juice (which is said to be good for the uterus) and eating more fruits and vegetables. I have noticed that my breast pain hasn't been as prevalent and I am thinking that the soda has a link. I am still having a cup of coffee each morning because I desperately need it to get through the day at the "induced high blood pressure" job. I may not be grammatically correct but I don't care.

Oh and one more thing..have you seen the Ri*anna photos of her beaten up (allegedly) by that arshole? I can't believe that those pictures leaked. I feel sorry for her that she has to be victimized by an arshole and then by the media. It's awful and whoever did it should be ashamed of themselves. I hope something good comes from this since she's such a role model for young girls that it's NOT ok to have anyone ever put their hands on you. And why isn't he in jail? Even if she didn't press charges (which she would be crazy not to) why isn't he sitting in a jail cell?

Happy Saturday!

Feeling much better

I made sure I was out of there by 5pm today. Had to run an errand on the way home so needed to be out the door promptly at 5pm. By the time I got home I felt a lot better. Stopped at the grocery store and Mr. M was home (which is unusual) before me. He's putting together our new heavy dute, made in switzerland air filters. If you are interested in buying a high end filer let me know and I'll give you the website address. They are not inexpensive but very necessary for us. At night I can't sleep because my nose is all stuffed up and we have two cats which both sleep with us. I hope that getting this filter will resolve some of those issues. I am hyper sensitive to a lot of shit. I just hope it's worth all the money we spent on them.


Micro-particle filtration
Eliminates micro-particles such as pollen, pet dander and mold spores.
Granular activated carbon adsorption
Eliminates volatile organic compounds (VOC), which are responsible for odors.
Pelletized chemisorption
Destroys harmful chemicals, such as formaldehyde, by an oxidation process inside a chemically active alumina pellet.
HyperHEPA® filtration
Eliminates bacteria, viruses and combustion particles from automobiles and smoke, through a nano-fiber structure.

Today I hate my job

I hate that my employer doesn't rwaliE that 2 people can't support 200 people. I hate that my boss thinks that everything is an emergency. I hate that I am stuck here for the insurance. I hate that I am wasting away here doing a job I was not hired for.

Hold your comments lucky to have a job etc because I don't want to hear it.

Happy President's Day

Body language in this photo says it all

Today is a day to get caught up on business stuff for Robert. I have loads of purchases and things to print and things to calculate etc. I wish I had more time to devote to his business but having a full time job myself it's hard. It would be wonderful if he got so busy that I could quit my job and work with him. Right now though we need the income and more importantly the health insurance. Once this economy picks up I think I'll look to make a change. I feel stangnant in my job not moving forward and not seeing any progress forward. Somedays I wish I had stayed where I was because at least I would only have one role instead of 3-4. I know at the time I needed to make the change but lately I just feel non productive. I don't want to settle into one position and become lazy and comfortable. I KNOW that I am not happy where I am but am stuck because of this infertility stuff. My RE looked at me and said "you need to have a baby and quit that job." WOW. She's right. Truth is I don't like to talk about work but everyone knows what the situation is there so it's not a surprise. I am SO grateful to have the job and I do my very best while I am there but it's not fulfilling anymore. I am really contemplating trying to get a job in the government nad have spoken to a few people about it.

Our plans 1) have a baby and 2) get a house that we like. I am fixed on what are goals are and whatever I need to do to make that happen I am going to do.

I also have been waking up with a headache, sore throat which I think is related to the dust/mold. It used to never bother me but it does. I even notice that my big kitty breathes loudly (I have had her checked several times at the vet) so we decided to get two high end filters. Mr. M spent most of the morning on the phone with the company (because you can't buy them in the store). If you are interested in knowing about it email me. I am looking forward to getting them as soon as possible. I really didn't want to spend the money but it's money well spent if it helps our health. No matter where we live we'll need it. The rest of my day I'll be doing laundry and cleaning up. I feel lazy :(

Where are you Sarah P*lin

SP should really be reaching out and helping people in her state. While she sits in her warm house others are suffering. I have been to Artic Vill*ge in the northern slope of Alaska and living conditions are not good. We landed there while on our honeymoon in 2000. We walked about a mile to a store to pick up a few groceries and food prices were outrageous. Understandably so since they have to fly everything in but how does one survive? Alcholism and gambling is also prevalent in this area (which they don't discuss in this article). I wish somehow this economy helps these people.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/09/rural.alaska.villages/index.html

Valentines Day was relaxing. Robert worked most of the day but I told him that I made reservations for us at 8:30. He came home about 6:00 (very early for him) and had a horrible headache. I felt bad and said that maybe we should cancel but he took some aspirin and laid down for a bit. We did go out for dinner which was nice then to the grocery store and then home and passed out asleep. V day is just another holiday even if you do have a valentine. I don't need to profess my love just on one day. I cherish Robert every day.

It's hot today like 72 in the middle of winter and it's suppposed to snow on Saturday. How crazy is that? My knee hurts from working out...it must be going to rain. My period decided to show up just 4 days late. Knew that I wasn't pregnant but why is it late? I guess getting older.

Did I mention that I am tired? Argh.

Convo with my boss today while I was helping him set out his fantasy football trophys in a conference room (not work related)

Him: lay out the bags neatly
Me: Gosh, you are anal :)
Him: you think I am anal
Me: YES

I love that I can say that to him.

Remarkable Story

It's kind of strange but really a generous gift.

-I had a very strong spiritual experience today. A woman "prayed on me" and I felt God.

-I am enjoying the warm temperatures.

-I worked out yesterday, decided not to today.

-I am hiring a trainer.

-I am tired.

-I found out that a girl in my 8th grade science class married our science teacher (after college she said). Faceb**k really connects you to people.

-I reconnected with a friend from college. I found out that her father passed away last year. The funny thing is we are both software trainers. Who would have thunk?

-I feel hopeful in what President Obama can do for our country.

-I had a very meaningful conversation with my husband about what our goals are for the next 10 years. We have been married almost 9.

Held hostage at home

Thinking of running out to Target but feel too lazy. I slept until 11:30 today and it was wonderful. I should be going out for a walk and I just might.

Today

Today my day began not being able to get a cab to work. Where the hell are all the cabs in the morning in DC? I think there must be half the cabs there was when they were charging their gas tax, etc. So I decide my only option is to take my smelly limo (Metr* bus) to work. I am lucky to get a seat and the woman behind me is talking on the cell phone is some foreign language that I have never heard before but not speaking in a normal voice. Instead she is talking as if she is speaking to someone in the other side of the room (way on the other side of the room). I am annoyed. Everyone of course is looking at her and I so wanted to turn around and ask her to shut the fuck up. I know bitchy. FINALLY she gets off the fucking bus meanwhile woman on my left makes 20 calls to her friends exclaiming that she's going to Russia just found out today and if her friends are going to visit. I am fine with cell phone usage but what the fuck did these people do without cell phones. They also have to announce of of their business in front of strangers. Finally annoying chick number 2 gets off the bus.

Work. Work was supposed to be a easy day since the partners are gone on their retreat but it isn't slow for us. Fuck no. My retard fucking coworker let a project sit all week (didn't tell anyone that we needed to help him with it) and I spent my afternoon walking around trying to get as much done as possible. At 4:15 I decide I have a horrible headache and wrap up my own shit to do to get out at 5pm.

Then there's the ride home. Now of COURSE I have to sit in front another person on the phone speaking again like they are at a bar. I want to get one of those devices that disconnects people from their convos. I really do and I am considering getting one.

Can't you tell I am expecting my period this weekend. I better stay in or I might otherwise punch some mfer out today.

Peace out.

ARGH

Went to work today because I had a few meetings and a class to teach tomorrow (needed to prep). I am having some intenstinal issues today. Yikes. Partners are all leaving for a retreat which means things will be slow *praying*

Day of Rest

I woke up for work and felt so tired and crappy I decided to take the day off. I slept all day long. I know that I need to take care of myself first. I still have a headache that won't go away. I am not if it's because of sleeping so much, the lack of caffeine or it's just a symptom of being sick.

Monday Monday Monday

Today is my grandma's 87th birthday. I am lucky enough to still have both of my grandmothers. My other grandma will by 87 in May. Both have their minds 100% and are relatively healthy. I told my grandma I hope I live until her age (especially with her nice skin and good health) and she told me that I will or at least if I am as healthy as her I would like to. Her husband died when my father was 13 years old and she never remarried. Never had a boyfriend, nada. Italian families tend to live together and her and my aunt moved in with my father after his divorce to the wicked step mother.

I don't usually watch the Superb*wl but I have to say the last minutes were pretty exciting (me and Mr. M watch the commercials, I know pathetic) but just can't get into it and thank goodness he isn't.

The weather was almost 60 today here in DC and it was lovely. I was able to get out for 30 minutes grab lunch and take a long walk back to the office and soaked up some sun.

Made reservations to a restaurant for V day since everything tends to book up. Long weekend that week (closed President's Day). :) Very happy.

Thought I'd post this commercial. It's f*cking hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79tMMFja-Fw

Would you be part of an arranged marriage?

Other cultures perform arranged marriages but would this be an option that would work in our country..probably not. I think it wouldn't primarily because woman are now not oppressed and have their own carers. I couldn't imagine my family selecting a partner for me. Sure, they know you but realistically it takes more than good match making. I watched 2*/2* last night and the topic was about chemistry the science of seduction. I know that chemistry is very important either you have this "connection" with the person or not. Robert watched it with me and we back played (tiv*) it several times to try to figure out which "personality" type we both were. I was curious to see if Robert would be able to select the one that I was and he did. He also found it amusing that I was able to tell him which couple wouldn't make it (they had some trial thing on there). He asked me how I knew and I told him that I could tell that the one woman wasn't into that guy. I told Robert that often a woman knows instantly whether or not she'd sleep with you.

I have not dated a lot of men prior to my husband. In high school I had two boyfriends. At 16, Bryan (and it was only because I was allowed to go on a car date) he wasn't a bad guy but I was 16 and liked being picked up, taken out for pizza, a movie. I remember one time he bought me this necklace which had two halves and I couldn't figure out why he would buy this for me. I know it sounds ungrateful but I really didn't like him and after a while I had to break it off with him (he even met my father once when my father picked me up for visitation).

Then there was Ron. Ron was one of the nicest guys I ever dated. I met him at a juice bar where we would frequent on Friday nights. A place where you could go and have fun meet others from different schools and just hang out. Ron went to school in New Len*x which was quite a ways from where I lived (maybe a 30 minute) drive but when you are in high school this is far. Ron and I dated my entire year of high school and we would write one another notes (exchange them when in person), we would call during the week (even though it was long distance and I would get into trouble with my mother) and we would in the beginning meet up at our favorite hang out. That hang out was a turning point for me. It kind of taught me how to "slow dance" with a guy, and have good conversations. It wasn't like just going to a movie where you couldn't talk etc. He would come to my house and pick me up and we would go out and do various things. Ron never made any move on my whats so ever which after a while I thought he might be gay. He did tell me that he had sex before but didn't want to force himself. Good thing because I was a virgin and there was no possibility that I was doing it at that age (I already knew this at about 13 years old that I would wait, not for religious reasons but it was something that I knew was sacred).

After awhile Ron broke up with me. We had a long talk and tried to work things out but his reason was. I just don't think you like me. I guess even at that age I wasn't demonstrative of my feelings for him. I did like him A LOT, he treated me really well, I was attracted to him but I didn't "love" him. We talked about trying to get back together but he clearly didn't want to and I was pissed off. The good guy that he is he still took me to my Prom. At prom we danced a bit and went to an after party hosted by the school where else? Our Friday night hangout. Ron was distant but still a great guy for not standing me up and still taking me, buying my a beautiful bouquet of flowers AND he bought me flowers during the year (what high school guy does that)? So it was over. Ron married the woman he dated after me and they have two beautiful children together.

After Ron maybe a few years later I met another guy Jeff. I might have been 18 or 19 and Jeff was 22 or 23 I can't remember but what I do remember is that my mother was not too pleased with his age. Jeff was in a band with his cousin and brother and I have seen them play. I really liked his brother John and after I had a party at my house I got a call from Jeff. I was so excited thinking that he was going to tell me that John liked me but nope. Jeff had asked me out. Jeff was a nice guy but was living with some woman Melissa (his story was they broke up) which I think is true because once he brought me to her place for a party and I met her very strange. I remember Jeff telling me that he "loved me" and I smiling but not in a way that I felt the same way" I was kind of side swiped. I was thinking, I am only 18/19 years old, I don't love you. Now, I think it was a ploy to try to get into my pants (which he never did). Jeff was a short thing, but also treated me very well. He decided to stick with Missy I think primarily because her parents supported her and he didn't come from such a well to do family and basically felt secure with her. I got that because I was NOT going to be married up or anything. He once told me that he and I had more in common than him and her and that's probably true.

There were some in between but nothing I would call "boyfriend". It was just for exploration (but not the real thing).

Then came Fredrik. Fredrik the Swede. I met him in college and he lived in my dorm. When I first saw him in the cafeteria there was an instant spark. From a far I was instantly attracted to him and then when he opened his mouth I was like he's foregin (very interesting). So a group of my friends basically knew his friends and they invited him out to a party with us. It was a house party on the north side of chicago and really an Art INstitute of Chicag* students having the party. I only knew my group but Fredrik and this other guy Matt who I absolutely couldn't stand kept buzzing around me all night. I remember telling Matt off becuas he was just such a stupid asshole and I thought oh Fredrik is an asshole too. I coudln't stand him. My friend Kelly like Matt and asked me to go to his apt with her. I did. And who was there Fredrik. I was like oh god...these two fucking idiots. Well after time and time (fredrik and matt were old enough to buy beer) we would go to Matt's and drink some nasty alcohol. This was really the first time I really drank. Fredrik and I would talk. Kelly pulled me aside and told me that Fredrik really liked me. I knew that I kind of liked him from a far but after the assholishness (is that a word) at the party I was turned off. Well one night he held my hand and it was instant "chemistry". I felt something inside that I have never ever felt with anyone up until that time. We dated for several months and he even moved into my dorm room (which my mother didn't know about). Then the school year ended and he went back to sweden. Without going into too much detail Fredrik and I shared very special moments together. He was very kind to me and was the love of my life. 7 months later I was in Sweden over Christmas/New Year meeting his parents. The trip was fantastic, his parents LOVED LOVED me and I loved loved them. Fredrik not so much. We fought. I think he was trying to find himself (before he had asked me to move to CA with him) but at that age I wasn't going to. I was scared. Bottom line we went through a huge huge ending of our relationship and details will not be divulged here.

Then there came a guy Bob that I met. Bob was a high school music teacher who smoked cigarettes which made me want to barf anytime I ever kissed him. Bob lived about an hour away in a house with his cousin. I remember kind of liking him but not really. I guess this would have been my rebound guy. Again, I had to cut it off but I think i was kind of mutual. I guess I realized it when I didn't really care if he called or not.

I am not a emotionally expressive person. I am not a woman who fawns over a man and I think I am more like a man in some cases.

THe next person I meet becomes my husband. I am too tired now to write anything but my relationship has been 15 years now, married for almost 9 and I love him like no other. He is an extension of me. He has seen me at my very worst. We have been through death of family members, loss of babies, loss of jobs, relocating to a new city together. I am truly blessed that we have found each other. I knew after a few Morten's that he would be my husband. Instantly I knew. Even as madly in love I was with the Swede it is NOT the same. The universe sent to me a kind, caring, smart, beautiful man and for that I am grateful. I look forward to continue growing old with him and continuing to build our life. I won't write a lot about him in our love affair because it's sacred to me and he will be the father of my child and the person that I will lay with for eternity.

I hope that everyone out there finds the kind of love that will make them happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Marriage is work (any relationship) but it's worth it. I look back in the past and realize that it took that to get me to where I am now. My path to Robert had a lot of bumps along the way but I have made my way.

DC is icy

Today I headed to Ge*rgetown University H*spital for a follow up appointment. I had a mammogram for the first time (due to the breast pain I was/am having) in November which thankfully came back all clear. I still wanted a follow up appointment and they decided to do a breast u/s. Results still all clear. I was told to not drink caffeine for 2 weeks, take primose oil (has anyone taken this before) and to come back in 3-4 months. THey asked me if I had planned to breastfeed and I definetley am planning to. I am just glad that for now this is all fine and I can proceed with the IVF path. I still am really freaked out about it (not sure why) but I am. I mean freaked out about the IVF. I have been through somje painful suguries, procedures and not sure why I am being such a chicken but I am.

Did you hear about the woman who had 8 children at once? Sure you have since it's been on the news. Did she do IVF and why would they put that many embroys into her at once? Sounds very bizarre but I am so happy that the babies are healthy and mom is also healthy.

DC is icy. What a nightmare. I couldn't even walk up my street this morning. My neighbor was kind enough to drive me up the road so that I could take the bus to my appointment. P Obama even laughed today because his children stayed home from school.

I love the snow but the ice sucks ass.

DC has finally settled down

Thank Goodness. Although I worked a short week it was a long week. I love Sundays. Love the idea of cooking dinner for Robert and I and watching our weekly show Desperate H*usewives. He looks forward to watching it as much as I. I have also created a photo blog to post some photos that I'll take around DC.

Today is Dom's birthday! Happy bday Dom!

WEnt to the RE on Friday. When I got into the office she made a comment "It's been a long time". I went for my hsg test in October and it's only been 3 months. I was a bit peeved about this but I thought whatever as long as she knows what she's doing. I asked for the results of Robert's sa. Everything is normal. So now I have to decide when I will do the IVF and I have been asked to call her when we decide. Apparently she needs to put my "calendar" together. I am very disappointed that I haven't lost any weight this entire time. I know time is of the essence but I am looking to do it when the weather warms up a bit. I am also going to start accunpuncture. I found out that my health insurance covers up to 1k so I am going to start on it.

Have a great weekend (what's left of it).

Happy Inaguration Day!

The day has finally come.....after the episode and taste for the crowds at Union Station we decided NOT to go to the swearing in or parade. You heard that it was organized but people who live right outside of the DC area have a different story. They said that they couldn't even get the Metro into the city. Being a DC resident I felt like I was in lock down. Can't move your car, can't get around the city lock down. I could have walked to the fesitivities but it was cold and after a week in NYC I was beat. So I laid under a warm blanket and watched it on my 60 inch tv. What a wonderful day. Senator Feinste*n was such a large part of the day. I told Mr. M that she might run for presidency. Hopefully she calls him again to help her with her computer issues. She's a very powerful woman.

I have fallen in love with his daughter (the little one). She has such character and is such a cutie pie.

Now, I can't wait for things to change.

Back in DC

This past week has been a pretty good week. I headed up to NYC for work on Sunday, had a late meeting on Sunday and then headed back into the office on Monday. We all could agree that the project wasn't as organized as it should have been but I just did what I needed to do. My week basically consisted of teaching classes and walking around and checking on people. It was a really nice office (I camped out in a office which faced NJ and I had a prime view of the Statue *f Liberty and of the bay. I had nice light all day but it was sure cold. People in the office were very nice. Why do NY'ers always get a bad rap? Honestly I think DC folk are bigger assholes.



The entire week were longer hours but it was much less stressful than my office. It was cold as heck there so there wasn't much walking around and everyone was too lazy to get out in the cold even though 90% of them were from Chicago.

The day the plane went down in the Hudson river we saw it from our conference window (not it going down but a view of it). The other side of the building is ground zer* which sort of creeped me out. It looks like they are finally building something there. I have some photos of that but not on my camera (on my cell) so I'll upload a photo of that later.

On the way back to DC Mr. Obama's train was 30 minutes in front of ours so there was a lot of stopping but we finally made it back into DC which was another fun thing all together. There were so many people there trying to get a peek of him but I heard that no one really did. I decided to take the Metr* out of there and then hop into a cab and headed home. Yesterday was the free concert on the Mall but I stayed in. Dc is full of people, I don't dare move my car otherwise I'll never be able to park it. I am contemplating whether or not to go to the parade tomorrow. I just might but I am not in the mood to tackle the crowds. The nicest thing is the buzz around town. People are out enjoying themselves and even for a few days everyone is "happy". I am very excited for the transition and am looking forward to the country heading in another direction.

I also met this Dr. who was attending a medical conference in Boston. Apparently she practices holistic medicine and she and I had a great conversation. She was telling me about a energy healer who will be at the conference she is attending and it's very interesting. I am going to look into it. She also told me a lot about dowsing (sp). I think I was there to meet her during this trip.

Still in NYC

It's so fucking cold here. It's been a great week. Had a lot of good food, worked in a really nice office. Our building is at 2 World Financ*al Center and one side faces ground zero (memorial is finally starting to be built) I'll post pics later, and the other side we saw the plane in the Huds*n River because we have views of the river from our office. I sat in a wonderful office which had a view of the Statue *f Liber*y and it was lovely. It was great to be away from my boss. I feel almost refreshed and it puts a lot into perspective. Bottom line....he's stressful. I know most bosses are but this kind of stress is something that me and my other coworker have talked about. It was just nice being away from the slo* guy I work with and my b*ss.

I leave tomorrow and am planning on spending most of the morning early afternoon in Chinat*wn if it's not too cold.

Tonight I trecked about a 5 minute walk to Wh*le F**ds and almost died. :)

Is it Friday yet?

This week hasn't been a terrible week at work. We brought in some new attorneys/paralegals which means I had to get them up to speed on our systems. It's been a lot of running around, etc. No biggie.

My boss asks me if I'd work in the NY office next week (that office is getting 150 people) of course I say yes. Fancy hotel, free food, time away from shitty DC. I decide that I am going to take the express train up there instead of fly. I'll leave on Sunday and return Saturday. Tonight I get an email that it might be postponed. I hate this unorganized shit. Ridiculous but it's not my bosses fault so I guess I am on stand by with my life (once again). Ok..I am flexible but now I just had to reschedule my appt. with the RE because she had to do a procedure and needed to change to another time of day that I couldn't be there. Good for me that now she'll see me in the local office instead of having to drive to her other office. My appt. is on the 23rd and I am hoping that my stupid job doesn't take me away from it. I need to go to develop what our plan is going to be. I didn't go through the hell procedure HSG for nothing and I AINT doing it again.

I am tired. Today some chick in class (don't you just know when you know that someone is a completely asshole even before you even really know them). Well this chick has some chip on her shoulder (at least a bit) which I need to knock off :)
She asked me the stupid question I think I have ever heard.

The firm provides her a bl*ckberry device. We are in training today and I tell them that they are responsible for the voice portion of the plan but the firm pays for the data portion (this is not my job to explain the billing shit) my job is to SHOW her how to use the device. She asks me, in a very snotty voice "if I am paying for the data part and I text will the firm look at those messages" she said it in a way that the firm wouldn't have "the right" to read them. She made some comment about how if she looked at her Yah** account at work then they would be able to read it. Yep, bitch that's right. Thank goodness a lawyer in my class gave her the shut down and said well "it's firm property therefore they can." I just irritated me. I wanted to give her a slap. I know she wanted to irritate me....and she didn't know that she did. I have taught Governors of state, high level people in the firm this little bitch is nothing to me and she needs to shut the fuck up and listen to what I am trying to help her with. I guess she thinks she's important.

She will be on my shit list of helping her. I know I am being a bitch but sometimes it's just what you gotta do to survive but play the game well.

Oprah

I Tiv* O*rah but I can't stand the cult following that she has. Today she had good old Dr. *z on the show and it was very informative. There is even a blood test that I will ask for which will detect how much inflammation you have in your body. This is important to me why? Well because of the thyroid issues, infertility issues etc. it can be related. Somehow you have to be your own investigator. She's having a series of shows on Mind Body & Spirit this week.

Today was a hard day at work. Do people NOT listen when you ask them to call the HELPDESK for help and not me directly? Now, I understand that since I did their training they somehow feel "comfortable" with me but with only two of us supporting an entire office it's not possible to do this and do the other things that I have to do not to mention support the other users. Tomorrow will be a fresh day and I won't get stressed. I did well with this on Monday.

Got an email from my boss tonight asking if I can go to the NY office next week. I told him that my back was hurting me and as long as I didn't have to pick up machines (really my back is killing me from lifting machines last week). I can't even stand up completely straight but it would be great to be out of DC and go to NY. Not to mention that Mr. M can join me part of the time and we can go to one of our favorite restaurants. I am not sure whether or not I'll be going....but it would be good to get out of DC.

So today for my food journal:

Morning 1 egg, 3 turkey sausage links, 1 hashbrown (I know this is bad for you), 1 cup of coffee

Lunch C*si meatball sandwich, chips (not very healthy)

Dinner spring mix salad with 1 avocado, cherry tomatoes, low fat dressing
snack chocolate covered almonds

I'll do better tomorrow.

Note to self.

Don't eat dried plums late at night. It's not a good idea.

I couldn't have NOT commented about this

Mr. M and I were watching 20/2* last night and the topic was orgasmic childbirth, home birthing and women who carry these newborns dolls which look like real babies (they carry them in strollers). I found the doll story very disturbing. Infertility is a disease and it could bring a woman who experiences it into a very dark and lonely place. I thought that AB* could perhaps run a special on how the government can make infertility treatments more affordable for women. Some women are not as fortunate to have insurance which covers their treatment and IVF or even testing becomes impossible for them. They could also promote adoption or make that more affordable for childless or anyone wanting to adopt a baby. How about running a special on letting gay couples adopt children? I feel that this show was an insult to anyone dealing with infertility! It was disgusting and these women look like crazy people.

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=6517455&page=1

Linda, 49, who asked that her last name be kept private, is one of the few women willing to speak about her relationship with reborns. She says she enjoys taking them out and about with her and comforts them like actual infants.


It sickens me that people are making money at the expense of women who experience the pain of infertility.

Lord, You have made me unique and special. I am like no one else who is or ever will be. You fashioned me with great care in the secret places of my mother’ womb for a specific purpose. Self-pity and critical thinking come when I compare myself to others and let the enemy of my soul have place. I reject all self-pity and critical attitudes. Forgiveness of myself and others reigns supreme in my life. Holy Spirit, please forgive me where I have grieved You by walking according to my own understanding and not Your leading. Moment by moment my heart is being healed and every aspect of my life is coming into alignment with the Word and the love of Father. I am a chosen vessel who fully expresses a heart of gratitude and praise. Amen

AHHHH it's a New Year!

A clean slate. A NEW YEAR. I am looking forward to this year. The past two have just been in limbo...but this will be a better year. Today I will organize and spend the day reflecting on goals for myself. I will be more true to myself, not feel guilty about certain things and above all else put my myself, my husband, my family at that forefront of my life.

Last night Mr. M worked late (as I did) and we decided just to stay in. It was blustery here and I wasn't about to go out into a crowd (especially since my back hurt from all the moving around lifitng yesterday). I was just content kissing my husband and kitties at midnight. What more could I ask for? To me it doesn't matter where I am but as long as I was with them.

Happy New Year to all of you! This year will be a great year for our country to turn around with a fresh, new administration in office. Let's all being joyous and hopeful!